1. Go to College
This is the beginning of your quest for the American Dream. However, tuition prices are fucking sky high, Charlie Sheen good blow high! So after you enroll and register for classes, your next stop is Sallie Mae or any company that will give you a $20,000 loan for a college that costs $8,000. Refund check ballin'! Why use that extra money for books and school supplies when you can go shopping and buy all the latest fashion trends. Although you'll be in debt for years and years to come, you must get a degree for your dream job!
2. Get a Career
The degree you just purchased will most likely be in a different field then the one you're working in, but hey, you got your job! Now it's probably a job you'll end up hating, co-workers you hate working with and a boss you hate working for! You'll be expected to work 60 hour weeks for a promotion, that will probably end up going to someone else with more "experience". This career may also end abruptly, due to the fact that they can fire you at anytime or lay you off for any reason. However, you need this career in order to pay off that student loan and to put a down payment on your very own brand new home!
3. Home Ownership
Wow! Your very own house, in the suburbs, with the white picket fence and the dog fucking the cat in the living room! Unfortunately, the house may be too expensive to buy out right, meaning you'll be visiting another bank to take out a mortgage that will also be coupled with your student loan debt! Yes, you are living way beyond your means but this is America, don't worry about it, we have credit! Hopefully, you'll be able to pay off your mortgage before you die and leave your kids with an enormous debt, but you do need this house in order to start your very own, first or second, family!
4. Get Married
This is the next step after buying your pretty piece of framed paper, otherwise known as a degree, and starting your 60 hour a week job and having a home! Now it's time to find a girl/guy that you can take home to meet your folks. You must find a spouse that you're willing to spend a lifetime with, although there's a 50% chance that it'll end in divorce. Take the chance and jump the broom! And if you have money and you don't stay together, you'll see that 50% come up again, but this time it'll represent how much the judge forces you to pay your wife! So try picking someone who won't drive you too crazy and make you want to kill them! Picking someone that's somewhat smart and attractive is a huge plus, in order to have kids that don't look like Frankenstein.
5. Have Kids
Procreation! This is your chance to finally have a kid that's not out of wedlock! No baby-mama drama for you Mr. Family Man! There's nothing more important than having a kid and passing on your legacy and the family name. In addition to that, our economy needs you to make babies in order to maintain this bullshit system. They need a constant flow of workers and consumers and also enough kids that want to join the military and go off to some desert and die for rich people's interests! So keep fucking you fuckers!
The American Dream! Wow! What a beautiful, well conceived idea for how to run a country. Chase after over priced material goods and work for a company, making them vasts amounts of money. Fight and die for a country that will throw you in a rundown, dirty, veteran hospital with no health care or leave you homeless on the streets, at least they tell you how proud they are of you and give you all sorts of pretty medals and colored ribbons! Live in a country where everyone hates everyone else--straight people dislike gays, old people dislike young folk, educated people hate uneducated people, blacks hate whites, Americans hate immigrants, Iphone users hate Android users and the like. So keep dreaming, because they're companies that are making good amounts of money from it!
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