Top 5 Things To Do When Ordering Chinese!

Who likes to cook during the hot summer months? Nobody that's who!! My family and I usually order out a little more due to the fact that my mother and grandmother cook less and I don't cook at all! Being from Philly, I can always go for a good cheese steak with some fries, however, I do enjoy a tasty pepperoni pizza from time to time. Living in the inner city, you're bound to come across a Chinese store or two or 300 and during those lazy dog days of summer when you're not up to walking down the street for some grub, ordering Chinese food is a great convenience. Although, placing an order seems quite simple, it can be a hassle but  following these five steps will ensure great food with a smile!

5. Location

Right off the bat, one of the most important things to consider when ordering Chinese food is where you want the food delivered. The problem with poor people in the hood is the fact that they always are trying to get things for free. Some people order food to a neighbor's house, meet the delievery man outside and steal the food. Most delivery men has had this happen or heard about it happeneing to someone else. It's the same problem when ordering a cab. The delivery man wants to ensure safety and thus will not deliver to certain places, namely the hood!

4. Payments

This works in two different ways. First, please tip your delivery man, it costs sixty dollars or so to fill a Mitsubishi, Suzuki or whatever cars they drive! If you don't want to tip, walk your lazy ass down the street. I know there's at least three Chinese Stores in a two block radius from most of you reading this! Moreover, if you don't tip China Men, they will not leave your door. I had a guy ring the doorbell again! They don't care...a China Man will sleep in his car all night until you come out and ask for his tip! Secondly, if you're not going to leave a tip, have the exact change. China Men are notorious for not giving back change, they'll assume any extra monies are for a tip. They'll always say they don't have any change to give you, and unless you plan on going through his pockets, you're gonna have to take that loss! So if I ever plan to not tip a China Man, I have the exact change to the penny and I close the door as soon as the money is in his hands, so he doesn't question me about a tip!

3. Only Chicken Wings

I don't want to use the sterotype that Chinese Stores cook stray dogs or cats when making meat but I will say their meat tastes like street pigeons or squirrel ears! My mother told me when I was new to ordering Chinese food to not order a cheese steak, of course I ordered it, figuring it couldn't be that bad...WRONG! What I put in my mouth couldn't be classified as meat! Don't trust it unless it's chicken wings! At least the chicken tastes like chicken, shrimp is also okay to eat from the China Man. If you order any other meat, you're taking your life into your own hands, beware!

2. Don't Be Diabetic

One of the best beverages on a sweltering, humid day is an Iced Tea from the Chinese Store.They must put in fifteen percent iced tea mix and eighty-five percent sugar. If you're diabetic, one sip can surely give you an insulin shock! And the prices are cheap, one dollar for a big plastic tub of tea and sugar. The Lemonade is no different! These teas and lemonades have been known to give kids cavities after only a couple gulps. Be sure to get a check up from your doctor before purchasing thsese drinks!

1. Have Your Order Ready

I don't know what the hell is wrong with these people, maybe they're operating on Shanghi time, but Chinese store people are unusually rude with customers who don't know their order. Most people write down, word for word, all different orders prior to calling the Chinese Store. If you take more than two seconds without saying anything, they will hang up on yur hungry ass! First, they'll most likely ask, "What you want." This is followed by a silence and if you don't speak they will end the call, and make you call back! And since no black people I know can ever keep a Chinese food menu, this can really be a difficult task, but you have to know what you want before ordering from the China Man.

They're are several other things to keep in mind when ordering. Don't tease them by imitating their voice and if you're in the store ordering food, do your best to mind your business! Chinese stores will have everybody at work in the store, children, grand parents, I even saw a dog licking the floor; I guess he was the mop! And never mispronounce the store's name! This is hard because they all sound the same. The words Hunan, Wok, Golden, Noodle, Palace or Dragon and Star is in every Chinese store name I have ever seen in my life! They just rearrange those words to form a resturant name. Try it...Hunan Wok, Golden Star, Dragon Palace, maybe Golden Dragon Noodle Palace, you get the drift but if you take these five steps, you'll have General Tso's with plenty of MSG in no time!